


but i am good, i am grounded

by wafflesofdoom



Series: not quite a week [1]
Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Family Issues, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-27
Updated: 2017-02-27
Packaged: 2018-09-27 07:15:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9982442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wafflesofdoom/pseuds/wafflesofdoom
Summary: robert sugden is struggling, and not a single person has noticed.or, aaron gets out of prison and wants to know why none of his family was looking out for his husband.





	

**Author's Note:**

> written for day one of robron week, family. title from i need my girl by the national (which i definitely didn't listen to on repeat when i wrote this.)

Robert Sugden was good at putting on a brave face. It was one of his greatest talents, really, being able to hide his true feelings underneath a layer of snark and disinterest, and he’d spent ten years using it to his advantage, away from Emmerdale, away from his family.

People only saw what he wanted them to see. That was how he’d always gotten by, people had never really seen the real him, the true feelings he hid under a soulless smile and an expensive haircut. 

Aaron saw through him. Aaron had always seen right through his bullshit, been able to read his moods and thoughts and feelings in a way that had scared Robert, once, but made him feel safe, and loved, and appreciated now.

But Aaron wasn’t there.

Aaron was banged up, and he’d be there for the next year of their lives (not if Robert had any say in the matter, but judging by the sympathetic looks from Aaron’s solicitor at their last meeting, he didn’t have a say) and Robert was the one who’d been left to run things, keep everyone going.

It was fine.

Of course it was fine, it’s not like he was the one in prison or anything. Robert just had a few more people than he was used to relying on him, Liv needing a brother right now, the Dingles always needing him for something or other, because he was one of them now, and Aaron wasn’t there to help.

But it was fine.

It had to be fine, because Robert didn’t exactly have a choice in the matter. He had to keep their lives going, the scrapyard ticking over, keep the work on the Mill going so that Aaron had a life to come back to.

Robert wasn’t going to have his husband come back to a wreckage of a life, a life Robert couldn’t keep afloat on his own.

No, that would make him weak.

Robert Sugden was not a weak man, not when his husband needed him to be the strong one. 

So Robert dug out his brave face again, and he got on with it. 

Or at least he tried to.

Liv wasn’t coping. It made sense, he supposed - she was only fifteen years old, and she’d had a hell of a life as it was, without her only family being sent to prison for a year. Robert had found her drinking down by the river, once, about two months into Aaron’s sentence. She’d been crying her eyes out, and it had taken him close to a half an hour to coax her down off the fence, taking the mostly empty vodka bottle from her and tossing it before they got back to the Woolpack.

A fifteen year old shouldn’t be able to drink vodka like that, Robert had mused, as he’d put her to bed. He should be sitting in A&E with her, getting her stomach pumped, but instead she was drinking like a bloody pro.

Another headache to add to the list. 

Robert got a lot of headaches, these days. He supposed it was from last of sleep, because he wasn’t sleeping properly without Aaron there - their once cramped bed now felt too big for just one person, everything that was so distinctly Aaron well faded from their sheets, his shower gel, the musky scent of his deodorant.

He’d held out on washing them until it got disgusting not to, not willing to let go of the last few breathes of Aaron that he had. 

Robert wasn’t sure how he was expected to survive a year alone in that bed. He was lucky if he got four or five hours of sleep a night, usually awake into the early hours researching for Aaron’s appeal, up again before six to get to the scrapyard early and do some work there, before he had Nicola pecking at him to look at something Home James related.

He felt like he was being pulled in every direction, and Robert had been close to breaking, once or twice.

But then he’d go and see Aaron.

His brilliant, beautiful Aaron, who would sit slumped in a chair in the visitors room, the ugly maroon colour of his jumper making him look gaunt, his hair a mess and newly healing bruises on his face.

Robert would sit there, and pretend as though he wasn’t in love with the man sitting across from him, because that was the best they had. A half an hour of idle chit-chat every two weeks, both of them wishing they lived in a world where Aaron being gay didn’t make him a target.

Robert would visit Aaron, and he’d reign in how he felt.

In what world did he have the right to be so upset, so tired, so stressed when Aaron was the one living in fear every single day he was stuck inside that prison?

“Stop crying.” Robert told himself, squeezing the cool porcelain of the sink tightly, tears rolling down his cheeks. “Don’t be so pathetic,” he spat at his reflection, angry. “You’re stronger than this. You’ve _got_ to be stronger than this.”

“Robert? Is there anything there for tea?” Liv’s voice interrupted his pep talk.

Shit.

He’d forgotten tea.

“I’ll make something now, chips and nuggets do ya?”

“We had chips and nuggets last night,” Liv whined, standing at the foot of the stairs. She’d only gotten in from school, her uniform askew and her hair wild, both of which only made Robert think she hadn’t made it in to Hotten’s only secondary school that day at all.

“Liv, I haven’t got the time to do anything else.” Robert thundered down the stairs, heading for the kitchen. “I’ve got a meeting with a client in Leeds tonight, so it’s going to have to be chips and nuggets.”

“I’ll be bloody _ill_ by time Aaron gets out, the way you’re going.”

“Well maybe you could do a bit of cooking yourself, eh?” Robert didn’t mean to sound so snappy. “I’ve got a lot going on, Liv. I’ve got two businesses to run, and the house, and Aaron’s appeal. You’ll forgive me if your dinners don’t make it to the top of the list of things I need to do every day.”

“You can shove your chips.” Liv spat, already heading for the front door. “I’m calling around to Gabby’s. At least Laurel remembers to feed her!”

Robert rested his head against a cupboard door, trying to steady his breathing. 

He didn’t mean to be so useless.

A sob escaped his lips, and one turned to two, and soon enough Robert couldn’t stop. 

He was crying, sliding to the floor and hugging his knees to his chest, sobbing his fucking heart out on the kitchen floor, and he hated himself for it. Robert hated that he couldn’t keep it together, couldn’t be the big brother Liv needed him to be right then, hated that he couldn’t get his husband out of prison, hated it all.

Robert Sugden was _useless_. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The appeal worked. 

After over three months (ninety seven days, Robert had counted every single one) Aaron was released on the condition that he’d wear an electronic tag for the next three months, and he’d attend court mandated counselling.

Robert collected him at the prison, and he’d never felt more relieved in his life. Aaron had been through hell, while he was inside, but as he walked toward Robert with his wedding ring back on his finger, he looked better, brighter, ready to move on and forget that the last three months had ever happened.

Maybe Robert could start breathing again, he thought as he drove them back toward Emmerdale, toward the Woolpack. The Mill was nearly finished, a mate of Ronnie’s checking over electrics and plumbing, but they’d have headed for the Woolpack anyway, Aaron wanting to see his family. 

“Are you alright?” Aaron asked, concern evident on his face.   
  
“‘M fine.” Robert said, smiling. “I’ve got you back, haven’t I?”

Aaron grinned. “I can’t wait to go home.”

“I can’t wait to have you home.” Robert said. “I’m sorry, the Mill isn’t finished yet. I lost focus a bit, what with the scrapyard and Home James. I really wanted to have it finished, for when you got out."

“Hey, Robert - I don’t care if it’s finished or not.” Aaron shook his head. “I just want to be with you, and Liv, and mum.” 

Robert nodded. 

“How’s Liv?”

Liv.

Liv had been on a rampage, the last few weeks. Whether it was drinking, or nicking money from Robert’s wallet, or fighting with Chas, she was determined to add to the incessant pounding in his head. 

“Fine.”

“Really?”

“No.” Robert shook his head, embarrassed at the tears that welled up in his eyes. “She hates me, Aaron, and I’ve tried - I’ve really tried with her, while you were inside, but she hates me.”

“Robert, don’t get upset. It’s alright -“

“But it’s not, is it?” Robert slammed on the brakes. “Liv’s running wild, the house isn’t finished, I feel like I haven’t slept in months, and now I’ve ruined our first few hours back together by being stupid, and _weak_ , and - I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

Aaron leaned over the car, grabbing Robert’s face in his hands. “Who got me out of that prison nine months early, eh?”

Robert couldn’t say anything, tears pouring down his cheeks now. 

“You have had to take on so much while I was gone, Robert.” Aaron sighed, wiping at the worst of Robert’s tears. “That’s not fair. Why didn’t you talk to me?”

“You had bigger things to deal with.”

“We’re married, Robert. You’re supposed to tell me when you’re struggling.”

“I just wanted you home. Everything’s easier, with you.”

Aaron gave him a sad smile. “Go on, drive us home.”

Robert nodded, wiping at his eyes with the end of his sleeve. The jumper was Aaron’s, one he’d worn a lot recently, a dark navy that he could pass off as his own to anyone who didn’t know any better. 

They were back at the Woolpack in no time, Robert unloading Aaron’s pitifully small bag from the boot. You didn’t accumulate much in prison, did you?

“Will you bring that upstairs?” Aaron nudged. “It’ll only get kicked over in the back, with all my lot around.”

Robert nodded, heading for the stairs with Aaron’s bag. Chas had invited Cain, and Adam, and Victoria, and Lisa and Zak around, a small few faces to toast Aaron’s arrival with a pint in the backroom.

There was sure to be a proper Dingle knees up soon, but for now, it was a quiet welcome home affair, and one Robert didn’t feel one bit up to. He just wanted to sleep, and sleep properly, now he could have Aaron next to him again.

Roughly digging the palms of his hands into his eyes, Robert took a few deep breathes before he headed back down the stairs, hoping he looked more composed than he felt.

Aaron’s voice made him stop, a hand on the door handle.

“Have none of you noticed?” Aaron demanded, clearly angry. “ _My_ husband has been at breaking point for weeks, and none of you have noticed.”

“Love, he seemed fine.” Chas piped up, clearly thinking of the endless cups of tea he’d made her over the past three months, the encouraging chats they'd had when Liv was in bed, and Charity was minding the bar. 

“Yeah mate, he’s been fine.” Adam said. “Helping out at the yard and everything, absolute top lad.”

Aaron’s voice was nearly a shout. “Have any of you looked at him? And I mean really looked at him. Robert looks like he hasn’t slept in months, or eaten, for that matter - and he’s wearing _my_ clothes. Does that sound like someone who’s fine? Does that sound like  _Robert_?"

“Aaron, he was worried about you, we all were.” Lisa piped up.

“The difference being, he’s been killing himself trying to help all of you, and not a single one of you bothered to take a bit of notice of him!” Aaron was furious, Robert recognised that tone of voice. “As soon as I saw him today, I knew. Why did none of you lot notice?” 

“Aaron, don’t spoil your first day back.”

“My first day back is already spoiled because I’m worried about my husband! He’s supposed to be your family too, you know, or do you only remember that when you need him to do something for you?” Aaron spat. 

Robert figured this was his moment to step in, before it all got out of hand. He pushed down on the door handle, the room falling into an awkward silence as he walked in, tugging the sleeves of Aaron’s jumper down over his hands.

A habit of Aaron’s he hadn’t realised he’d been mimicking.

“Mum, look at the state of him.” 

Robert’s eyes widened. He hadn’t realised Aaron was going to continue his tirade, he’d hoped they could just make nice for an hour or two with his family, and then have some time to themselves.

“It’s not like I’m not good at lying, Aaron.” Robert said softly, putting a hand on Aaron’s waist. His husband was red in the cheeks, his temper getting the better of him as he faced down his family. 

Aaron turned to look at him, worry clear in his eyes. “You shouldn’t have to lie,” he replied, his expression softening.

“I just wanted everything to be perfect for when you got out.” Robert didn’t want to look at Chas, or Cain, or any of them. He didn't want them to see how upset he was, how annoyed at himself he was. 

Robert didn't want Aaron's first day back to go like this. 

Aaron didn’t say anything, tugging him close. “Let’s go for a walk, yeah?” he said, jerking his head toward the door. 

“Aaron, what about -“

Aaron glared at Chas. “I’ll be back in later, we can have a few drinks then.”

Robert felt sort of numb as Aaron shoved him toward the door, out into the cool afternoon. 

And then it all sort of hit him.

Robert burst into tears, looking at Aaron apologetically. “I just missed you so much,” he admitted though his sobs. “And I couldn’t - I couldn’t deal with being alone, being without you.”

“I missed you so much.” Aaron gathered him into a hug, one of those tight, bone crushing hugs Aaron always gave so well. Robert pushed his face into Aaron’s neck, letting the tears, the panic, the stress of the last three months out as he cried into his shoulder, clinging to his husband.

Aaron held him close, a hand running through Robert’s hair gently. “It’s okay. You don’t have to hide with me, you know that.”

“You don’t have to hide with any of us, love.” 

Robert looked up to see Chas standing in the doorway, looking concerned. 

“We’re your family now too, Robert. If it was all getting too much, you should have told us - not all of us can read you like Aaron can, you know.” Chas offered him a kind smile, a motherly sort of look on her face.

“‘M sorry, I’ve made such a mess of today.” Robert couldn’t bring himself to let go of Aaron.

“That’s the thing, about being out of prison.” Aaron murmured, his mouth hovering close to Robert’s ear. “We’ve got a million more days to come, and there’s going to be plenty of good ones. Okay?”

Robert nodded. “Okay.”

And for the first time in three months, Robert felt like he could **b r e a t h e**. 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> i said i wasn't doing robron week, purely because i am currently drowning in university work (yay), but late night inspiration hit over the weekend and i ended up with this. i probably wont be participating in the rest of the week, but i hope you enjoyed a slightly angsty contribution to the first day. protective aaron is kind of my jam!
> 
> i'm robertsuggles over on tumblr if you fancy a chat!


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